Unresolved

I love to joke. So much. It’s a dangerous game, though. Comedy works similarly to music. Have you been deep in the grove of a song, and it suddenly cuts off? Like at the roller skating rink and halfway into a song, it’s time for reverse skate. This abrupt shift leaves a hole. Jokes should build just enough tension and then relieve it. If tension is created for the joke but doesn’t get dismissed with the laugh, it remains unresolved.

My co-worker walked down the hall with me. I headed towards my office. She was going to her boss’s office, right next to mine. We exchanged typical hallway pleasantries. She asked, “How are you?” I don’t love answering that with the canned response, so I went for the joke. I nodded to her boss’s office and said, “Better than you.” I got a courtesy half-laugh. Half-laugh is generous. Not hilarious, but also not the reaction I anticipated.

As I turned into my office, I saw her continue down the hallway. She wasn’t going to her boss’s office—she was headed to the printers. No wonder she didn’t laugh. I didn’t tell a joke. I was just a bragging jerk saying, “Ha ha! I am better than you.”

I was filled with disgust. It felt terrible. I don’t mind being mean, but it has to be in the form of a joke. I wrestled with this uncomfortable feeling for weeks. We occasionally crossed paths. She was never cold—but certainly not brought closer by my screw-up.

A couple of months passed, and I couldn’t drop it. I stopped her and apologized. “I am so sorry for being rude to you.” She politely listened as I explained that I assumed she was going to her boss’s office. “So when you have to go in there, that’s the only time I might have an edge on being better than you.” She laughed. Finally! I got the laugh.

Then she told me she had no idea what I was talking about. She vaguely remembered it, but her headphones were in. She sort of heard something, but was tending to her business.

Instantly, I wished I’d apologized sooner. I carried this weighty guilt around for absolutely no reason.

What other weight am I needlessly carrying around? When something needs to be said, what is keeping me from saying it? Can I release my own tension?

Be curious, be kind, be whole, do good things.